just_discover (just_discover) wrote,

Dear you

Dear J,

I don't know where to start. For a while now I have been thinking about writing this, and wondering what level of honesty it is best to reach. The way I see it, we really have two options now. I suppose you have already chose your option, but to be honest it is a nagging feeling that I just can't get away from, so it is time I face the music and find out what the hell went wrong.

From my point of view things changed. Things changed drastically the moment me and Darren got engaged. Argue with me if you want, I may be wrong, but I felt it. Going through University miles away from each other was always going to be the case; I feel that our friendship at 18 was strong enough to get through those three years. (Again, perhaps I am wrong). I know you always had an issue with Darren. To put it bluntly, I could understand why. At the beginning he was a prick, we both admit this now (and laugh about it) - but I'm not sure you ever realised he wasn't - a prick - anymore. I would not have agreed to marry him -- well, I wouldn't have stayed with him -- had I not realised that deep down was the most kind, caring, compassionate and thoughtful guy. I see it now everyday and genuinely thank God that I stuck with my gut instinct. But I don't think you ever saw that, and I would suggest (again, perhaps wrongly) that this was the start of all of our problems.

I'm not writing this to upset you, to cause an argument, to drag things out of the past, or for some sort of miracle resolution. In my head we are perhaps past such a thing. Which is sad. Well, heartbreaking if I am honest. But - well. I digress...

I'm writing this because my fucked up mind won't let go of the questions, and for some reason after over a year of no contact (I think it has been over a year?) you keep popping into my head at the most random moments. I sound like some idiotic ex - but sometimes certain things I do, mannerisms, or things I see, make me think about you. And lately I just ask myself - what the fuck went wrong there? And I just think you might be able to help me clarify from both ends... Or you could just ignore this, which would also be fine.

As I was saying... Things changed when me and Darren got engaged. And then the wedding. Jesus Christ - the wedding. If I'm honest, I didn't feel like you were happy for me. I didn't feel like you - how to put this - respected my decision. I didn't feel like you were entirely *there*. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I am wrong. Just in my heart of hearts, I can't honestly say that you were genuinely happy for me. And to be honest, my heart breaks a little bit when I think that. Despite University - and all the other crap keeping us apart - I still saw you as my best friend - but I didn't feel like you agreed with me getting married. I try to put it down to my age, the timing, but it all comes down to your original dislike for Darren. Because as much as you were my best friend, the moment I said 'I do' and agreed to spend the rest of my life with Darren was the moment you *had* to be happy for me or all this - what has happened now - would eventually happen. In my mind, that is all I can put it down to.

There were other things. I know at one point you really wanted to have a serious discussion with me. I'm sure that probably might have saved other things - but it never happened, so perhaps those issues never get resolved, and again participated in what has happened now. I don't know. I just don't know.

So basically I am writing this as a rather desperate (and probably unprecedented) plea - a query really - what happened? I hope you still have a small ounce of respect for me and you will at least do one thing and reply with complete honesty. I know there must be something else.

On my side perhaps my knowing that you had an issue with Darren that might never be resolved caused me to give up on our friendship. Again I'm asking for your honesty if you reply so it's perhaps best that I'm honest in my request for your honesty (if that makes any sense...). It isn't exactly like all your previous bfs were the picture of perfection, but I was never openly rude to any of them, and I would have accepted any of them if I felt like they had sorted themselves out and were making you happy. Darren *does* make me happy. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't. So I couldn't understand why you couldn't just put your original dislike to one side and open yourself up to him - even slightly - and give him a chance. If you were never going to do that, even after I had married him, it was always going to be difficult for us.

It was of course difficult anyway- in the run up to the wedding I didn't really feel like I had 100% co-operation from you. At times I wasn't even sure if you wanted to be my bridesmaid. I know that period in your life was tough, and I wanted nothing more to be there for you - sod the fucking wedding, I so would have been there for you - but you didn't need me. Of course you didn't - you had other people you had become more close to that could clearly support you better. Which was fine - but it quickly became clear to me that we were pulling apart from each other, and perhaps the wedding may have been a factor in that.

Perhaps I'm completely on the wrong page, perhaps it had fuck all to do with Darren/the wedding or any of that - perhaps it was me. If it was, I'd love to know. As I said, perhaps we are past the miracle reconcilation and everything going back to normal, but I just feel like I need to know.

And if you choose not to reply, I would understand.

Hope you are well, hope Pano is good. And the family of course - I often see Adam in Sainsburys and he looks well (and very grown up!).

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.