just_discover (just_discover) wrote,

October 2006 "Too hard to say I hate you"

Too Hard To Say I Hate You.
And tears can no longer wash away the pain. Tears don't fall, tears won't fall anymore. Tears just don't change anything. Tears won't make you love me, Tears won't make you care. Tears will make me hate myself, Tears will make me feel I have no dignity, tears will make me feel stupid for crying over *you*.

There was a time I thought you were all I ever wanted, all I ever wanted. But now I know that all I really want is an answer, and answer or to *let go*; to forget about you. To leave you behind as a memory.. Something nice, yes, I can't deny that... But something that no longer means anything to me.

But the knife cuts through my heart when I say I want you to forget me. I can't breath right now - my heart stops beating when I say I hate you. My heart won't let me leave you behind. You don't see what you're doing - and my heart will sit and laugh at the pain coursing through me as I pretend to hate you. As I put on the mask and tell everyone I'm over you.

And I met someone new. Someone I liked so much. He didn't make me feel the same way you did. And I thought that was a good thing, I thought that the opposite he did to me - he didn't hurt me like you did - was a good thing. I wanted so badly to like him. But like you, he doesn't want me. He messed with my head, like you did, and then he - what? I still don't know. I don't know whats going on with him, and I'll never know whats going on with you.

So much poetry, so many words I've written, to scratch away the love you etched onto my heart. So many lost words with lost meanings - my words have little meaning when I know you'll never see them. The words; I thought they'd make me feel better; at the begining they did. Now they just make my mind do backflips and somersaults and confuse me more than I ever want to be confused.

I hate you. I hate you.

And now I can't breathe again, now I can't speak again, now the pain that is making it hard to type is making my hands shake; now I want nothing more than to say -i love you- But I can't. Because then its real. If I write it ... say it, its real. And I can't accept it.

You hurt me too much.

I can't love you.

I Hate You.

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