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01 September 2009 @ 01:27 am
December 2006  
You don’t realise how many songs I belted from the bottom of my heart about how glad I was to be over you. How without you, my life was so much better. So many lyrics come to mind as I think of you, and I cant make sense of the hundred guitar riffs that strum themselves over in my head, reminding me of you every second of the day.

Not only am I reminded of you with songs, but when people talk, one slightest thing and my minds on you. Everything relates to you. Films; I find it hard to go to the cinema because of the times we spent together there. I remember the words you said to me, I remember every smile that you gave me. There’s nothing in this world that doesn’t have the essence of you.

And another thing; when I tried to get over you, I found new people. But did they, could they, ever mean as much to me as you did? I think part of me was convincing myself that I was over you, and part of me was trying to convince other people.

And now I’m crying. Because I’m listening to the song that reminds me of you, one in one million.

You still care. I still care. Why cant all this be simple? Why were you never simple? How come you messed up, confused and twisted every ounce of me? How come every drop I cry is because of you, and how come no one will mean so much as you did.

You text me. I hadn’t replied. So you started ringing to check my phone was on. What? I only ever do that… No, ive only ever done that with you. You confuse me.

And you tell me you missed me. Too much. You say you don’t understand. You say its odd. You repeat again, when I question you, that you missed me.

But how can that be so? How can you have ever missed me, because if you really do miss me, that means some part of you has feelings for me. And if you had feelings for me, you would know by now that you’ve hurt me to the point of insanity. You’ve hurt me so much that all I want to do is slit my wrists and drip this pain away.

Theres no method to any of this. How come nothing with you, ever makes sense? And how can I possibly get over you, if I was never under you?

That’s what makes no sense in any of this. Theres always been part of me that’s cared about you. That’s why my heart skips a beat when I get a text from you. that’s why my stomach lurches when I see you come online. That’s why no matter who ive spent my day with, its your face I see at night. And people assume Im over you. Because its that easy to get over someone….

But how can I get over you, over us, when there was never an “us”. Because if we were together, and then over, there’d be a reason it had finished, and that reason would give me reason to hate you. Reason not to care. But there never was an “ us” We were so close I could touch it. We had the U, we had the S, but we never had the sense to put them together. And how can I get over you, when in my eyes your perfection?

Don’t get me wrong, at one point I really did believe I was over you. When you don’t see someone for so long, you can see past the amazing things that they do and remember the big things; the hurt of never knowing, the pain coursing through me as I turned and the train rolled away one more time, me none the wiser.

There was no need to wait so long. We had the weirdest relationship known to man. We were there, but we wernt. We were together, but we were separate. We were there, but never quite there.

I still don’t know whats going on in this mind. The things that remind me of you give me a good feeling. But I don’t get emotions, I don’t get life, I don’t get you.

Maybe with time, had you left me alone, I would of got over you. And this time, if its just friends, and you say that, ill be glad. Ive missed out on this so many times, because of you, I wont let it go on for much longer.

If you love someone enough you’ll let them go.

If it’s the right thing for them, that is.

After all.

You cant lose what you never had.

Bullshit.