Shakey - Quill

(no subject)

It's terrifying to finally admit it, but this life is not sustainable. It simply is not.

I spent my entire life working towards being a teacher. I fooled myself into believing that I would be good at it. Like it's possible to be good at something that consumes your entire life until nothing is left of you but an exhausted, broken shell.

The thing th\t tears me apart the most is the fact that no-one can know. I wonder how long I will go on like this, convincing myself and others around me that this kind of lifestyle is acceptable. Everytime the words attempt to come out of my mouth I realise that the look on their faces will make it not worth it; I would rather be this broken shell than be someone who failed.

I resist it. I resist it all until I bleed pity and anger and self-denial. I bleed hatred for what I have become, for my loss of life, for my loss of time for love and hugs. I wish it would all just go away; the weekend comes and it taunts me. From a pile of marking to lessons to plan, it never goes away. It is the ghost under the bed that will lurk for eternity, and it is something that I can never get away from.

I have no options. If I heard someone speaking like this I would be concerned for their welfare. But I will stop writing this, I will pick up my planner and I will move on. I will get it done. I will make everything okay. I will survive the next week, then the next month, and before I know it I will be stuck forever. I am already stuck forever.

My fingers hammer on this keyboard so quickly I feel they are going to drop off. I come here for the truth, for honesty... to be heard without being listened to. I don't understand it. I don't understand any of it. I cheer my mantra: work to live, don't live to work. As I sit holding my pink pen, wishing for a job that could stay a job, a workplace that would remain there - not seep into my home through every windwo and door, stripping me of my time and my freedom.

Freedom. I ache for freedom. I ache to be alone, to be away from the fear of what needs to be done. I ache to be alone with my husband, to be alone without the constant nagging of the pile of books that need to be marked.

I'm so behind I could cry. I wish it would all go away, yet all that happens is the pile gets bigger and I feel more ill and exhausted and miss out on more opportunities. And life. I miss out on life.

People are drifting away; I can't blame them. I have no time for them. I have no time for us - for me - let alone them. I ache to be without this nagging, this monster that lurks in my schoolbag and pokes fun at my sleep. I ache and bleed and wish it was all gone.

The pain is unimaginable. My stomach is constantly lurching and the need for freedom, the need to have space. Time. Freedom. It churns as I turn out these words, flowing from my fingertips on to this keyboard. Type type type on to the screen like all my fears will go away.

The nagging, and the monster, and that ache for freedom will flow out of my fingertips, on to the screen, and leave me alone.

They aren't going anywhere.

And I'm not going anywhere.

Freedom means nothing; Failure is everything.
Shakey - Quill

is feeling lost. Says Facebook.

Today has been an odd day. Odd of course is an understatement. I've really struggled. The past few weeks I have been really happy and feeling on top of the world. But today has come crashing down around me, making me realise a few things and feel a bit shit...

Money issues. It's all about fucking money; of course life is about money. I need to get past it.

Shakey - Quill

Dear you

Dear J,

I don't know where to start. For a while now I have been thinking about writing this, and wondering what level of honesty it is best to reach. The way I see it, we really have two options now. I suppose you have already chose your option, but to be honest it is a nagging feeling that I just can't get away from, so it is time I face the music and find out what the hell went wrong.

From my point of view things changed. Things changed drastically the moment me and Darren got engaged. Argue with me if you want, I may be wrong, but I felt it. Going through University miles away from each other was always going to be the case; I feel that our friendship at 18 was strong enough to get through those three years. (Again, perhaps I am wrong). I know you always had an issue with Darren. To put it bluntly, I could understand why. At the beginning he was a prick, we both admit this now (and laugh about it) - but I'm not sure you ever realised he wasn't - a prick - anymore. I would not have agreed to marry him -- well, I wouldn't have stayed with him -- had I not realised that deep down was the most kind, caring, compassionate and thoughtful guy. I see it now everyday and genuinely thank God that I stuck with my gut instinct. But I don't think you ever saw that, and I would suggest (again, perhaps wrongly) that this was the start of all of our problems.

I'm not writing this to upset you, to cause an argument, to drag things out of the past, or for some sort of miracle resolution. In my head we are perhaps past such a thing. Which is sad. Well, heartbreaking if I am honest. But - well. I digress...

I'm writing this because my fucked up mind won't let go of the questions, and for some reason after over a year of no contact (I think it has been over a year?) you keep popping into my head at the most random moments. I sound like some idiotic ex - but sometimes certain things I do, mannerisms, or things I see, make me think about you. And lately I just ask myself - what the fuck went wrong there? And I just think you might be able to help me clarify from both ends... Or you could just ignore this, which would also be fine.

As I was saying... Things changed when me and Darren got engaged. And then the wedding. Jesus Christ - the wedding. If I'm honest, I didn't feel like you were happy for me. I didn't feel like you - how to put this - respected my decision. I didn't feel like you were entirely *there*. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I am wrong. Just in my heart of hearts, I can't honestly say that you were genuinely happy for me. And to be honest, my heart breaks a little bit when I think that. Despite University - and all the other crap keeping us apart - I still saw you as my best friend - but I didn't feel like you agreed with me getting married. I try to put it down to my age, the timing, but it all comes down to your original dislike for Darren. Because as much as you were my best friend, the moment I said 'I do' and agreed to spend the rest of my life with Darren was the moment you *had* to be happy for me or all this - what has happened now - would eventually happen. In my mind, that is all I can put it down to.

There were other things. I know at one point you really wanted to have a serious discussion with me. I'm sure that probably might have saved other things - but it never happened, so perhaps those issues never get resolved, and again participated in what has happened now. I don't know. I just don't know.

So basically I am writing this as a rather desperate (and probably unprecedented) plea - a query really - what happened? I hope you still have a small ounce of respect for me and you will at least do one thing and reply with complete honesty. I know there must be something else.

On my side perhaps my knowing that you had an issue with Darren that might never be resolved caused me to give up on our friendship. Again I'm asking for your honesty if you reply so it's perhaps best that I'm honest in my request for your honesty (if that makes any sense...). It isn't exactly like all your previous bfs were the picture of perfection, but I was never openly rude to any of them, and I would have accepted any of them if I felt like they had sorted themselves out and were making you happy. Darren *does* make me happy. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't. So I couldn't understand why you couldn't just put your original dislike to one side and open yourself up to him - even slightly - and give him a chance. If you were never going to do that, even after I had married him, it was always going to be difficult for us.

It was of course difficult anyway- in the run up to the wedding I didn't really feel like I had 100% co-operation from you. At times I wasn't even sure if you wanted to be my bridesmaid. I know that period in your life was tough, and I wanted nothing more to be there for you - sod the fucking wedding, I so would have been there for you - but you didn't need me. Of course you didn't - you had other people you had become more close to that could clearly support you better. Which was fine - but it quickly became clear to me that we were pulling apart from each other, and perhaps the wedding may have been a factor in that.

Perhaps I'm completely on the wrong page, perhaps it had fuck all to do with Darren/the wedding or any of that - perhaps it was me. If it was, I'd love to know. As I said, perhaps we are past the miracle reconcilation and everything going back to normal, but I just feel like I need to know.

And if you choose not to reply, I would understand.

Hope you are well, hope Pano is good. And the family of course - I often see Adam in Sainsburys and he looks well (and very grown up!).

Shakey - Quill

Dear Everyone.

Okay firstly I haven't used this site in ages. Now a married woman who loves her life, there is still things that go on that I feel are beyond my control and beyond what I feel possible to share. So here goes: A letter to pretty much everyone in my life, unsent letters. Something that used to make me feel better, a lot. Hmmm.

Dear D,
You have literally made my life what it is and I can't thank you enough for that. I am beyond happy. I look at my old posts and realise what the hell I was going through and wonder why I coped and carried on letting people treat me how they did as now everything is so wonderful. I feel guilt posting these letters because I want to talk to you about it all, but some things are better left unsaid and some things should not go further than the realms of the internet. I guess what I'm trying to say is me going on here and saying things I dont want you to hear doesnt have any reflection on our relationship. Because I love you beyond anything I thought possible. I look at you now, snoring next to me, and wonder what I did to deserve you. And how long I can hold on to you and hope you will never leave me. Turns out insecurities never go away, even when trust is absolute.
All my love, L.

Dear J,
Fuck you. Seriously. Ten years down the line and for what - for this? I'm fucked off most of all because not only do you not bother meeting up with me, everything is always my fault, you can't put a foot wrong, and everything revolves around you. No - its not THAT. What it is is that when I got married no-one was less supportive than you were. My fucking BRIDESMAID and you didnt even get me a card to congratulate, you caused countless problems - you werent even going to come to my FUCKING HEN DO until I paid for you?? What the fuck is that about? I got married and I still have time for everyone, you've been with your bf less than two years and I cant remember the last time you organised a meet up. Apart from your birthday. and christmas. Coincidence? Hence the reason you haven't been given presents. As sick as it is, you arent getting anything until I genuinely believe you are meeting me for me. Not as someone to speak at. I mean you moan when our other friend meets with us and talks a lot - maybe she has problems too? Maybe the world doesnt revolve around you? Maybe there is more to life than your problems? I cant forgive you for the day after my nephews funeral dragging your new boyfriend along, snogging him, letting him wind me up when my heart had just been broken. I cant forgive you for not once saying you were happy for me the day of my wedding. I cant forgive you for how relentlessly you seem to pretend that you are perfect and I'm not. I never was in your eyes, I never will be. Maybe thats why I'm letting these ten years fade into the distance. They are good memories - some of them - but that is all they will be. In the past. Sorry.
.. there I go, saying sorry again to you. Wow.

I'm pissed with you. I wish you would tell me you have noticed. You're so two faced. Everything you said when I was there, was either a lie, or how youre acting now is a lie. Either way it makes me dislike you. This can fade away, and we can both pretend we never realised.

Thanks for being an incredible friend. Seriously.

You're awesome, and I'm loving getting to know you. Nice to have an adult friendship.

I still look at your facebook wall and feel guilty for it. I dont know why. Why I do it. I think - I dont know. It doesnt suprise me that you're still not in a relationship. I dont think you will be for a long time. I loved that moment you told me you regretted how you treated me, but you know what? It didnt give me enough closure. And I honestly dont know what ever will. You will always be the one that got away. I'm happy you did, because of where I am now. I still cant listen to our song, or read all the words I wrote. I feel guility because of that again, and again I dont know why. I dont have feelings for you, if by feelings I mean affection. I have resentment, and anger still. I wish you would just - I dont know. Glad you're going to Australia though....

I'm so on to you. One step wrong and wave goodbye. Can't wait for that day.

Thankyou so much for coming into my life. I honestly never thought I would ever have a brother, and every moment I say the word I dont think it quite computes. Some day it will. Anddd I cant wait for the baby.

T, J, C & V
I hope you regret every moment you turned a blind eye to what was going on. I hope you never have someone who worked as hard as I did, as loyal as I was. I hope one day your child comes to my school and I call you in for their bad behaviour and look down on you as if you are a tiny piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe. That is all you are.

Feels GOOD.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
Shakey - Quill

New icontest :)

Hey guys,
We've reopened torchwho_ic which is basically an icontest for torchwood and doc who (what it says on the tin really). We've got two new challenges and would love more entries and some interest :) if anyone has a doc who comm or icontest let us know too :)

p.s. to the mods: I hope this is okay, I looked in the user info and think it is! Hope I got it right! xx
Shakey - Quill

Something or other.

The tissues fall around me
like the sheets of snow outside
my issues seem to ground me
to floor with nowhere to run

take me back-
take me back,
to my home, to your arms.
take me back-
take me back,
to anywhere but here.

Its the rubbing of the eyes that hurts,
not the streams that blur them,
its the empty paths in front of me,
not the feet that have to stir them.

its the need to see something I know
to know its all okay,
its the need to be told your loved,
and to be able to say
it back...
take me back-

Take me home.
Shakey - Quill

October 2006 "Too hard to say I hate you"

Too Hard To Say I Hate You.
And tears can no longer wash away the pain. Tears don't fall, tears won't fall anymore. Tears just don't change anything. Tears won't make you love me, Tears won't make you care. Tears will make me hate myself, Tears will make me feel I have no dignity, tears will make me feel stupid for crying over *you*.

There was a time I thought you were all I ever wanted, all I ever wanted. But now I know that all I really want is an answer, and answer or to *let go*; to forget about you. To leave you behind as a memory.. Something nice, yes, I can't deny that... But something that no longer means anything to me.

But the knife cuts through my heart when I say I want you to forget me. I can't breath right now - my heart stops beating when I say I hate you. My heart won't let me leave you behind. You don't see what you're doing - and my heart will sit and laugh at the pain coursing through me as I pretend to hate you. As I put on the mask and tell everyone I'm over you.

And I met someone new. Someone I liked so much. He didn't make me feel the same way you did. And I thought that was a good thing, I thought that the opposite he did to me - he didn't hurt me like you did - was a good thing. I wanted so badly to like him. But like you, he doesn't want me. He messed with my head, like you did, and then he - what? I still don't know. I don't know whats going on with him, and I'll never know whats going on with you.

So much poetry, so many words I've written, to scratch away the love you etched onto my heart. So many lost words with lost meanings - my words have little meaning when I know you'll never see them. The words; I thought they'd make me feel better; at the begining they did. Now they just make my mind do backflips and somersaults and confuse me more than I ever want to be confused.

I hate you. I hate you.

And now I can't breathe again, now I can't speak again, now the pain that is making it hard to type is making my hands shake; now I want nothing more than to say -i love you- But I can't. Because then its real. If I write it ... say it, its real. And I can't accept it.

You hurt me too much.

I can't love you.

I Hate You.

Shakey - Quill

20th October 2006

Words Mean Nothing
Your words meant too much to me. They were only ever passed through a computer screen. They were only ever typed on a small mobile phone. They came to me though wires - through waves. They meant too much to me. Deep down inside of me, I wanted to not believe them. But it was so hard, because I wanted to believe them - because I just wanted you.

But now, looking back, I realise how stupid I was all along I should have realised, your words never meant anything. How could they? How possibly could they? They never meant anything, your words were empty threats... unmeaningful poems.... hurtful nothingness.

Because now I realise, unless I hear you say something I must ignore it. Unless you announce your undying love for me ( you may have done that, in your mind).. and unless you are willing to tell every god damn human being on this earth, unless you are willing to scream it from the rooftops, unless you are willing to wear a sign with the truth on it for the rest of your days, I know not to believe it.

"Actions Speak Louder Than Words" Hell Yeah. You just never did any acting, did you? words fell from you easily - you had the charm and you had the beauty of language, and you typed it onto my screen, you typed it onto my phone, you sent it to me, thats the beauty of technology.

But when it came to the crunch, the actual words, these things that come out of my mouth, everything that is cascading from inside of me --- The words that we speak, well you never had them did you? You had the language, the charm, the grace. You didn't have the balls.

And now I know I'm stupid and pathetic, because I want nothing more than for the words to spring from your mouth, right now. At this moment in time, nothing is more important to me than you Talking - speaking - those words you claimed to mean...

Those words that messed me up inside. Those words that won my heart, locked it up inside a small box and wrote "forever mine" on the top.

Why, Why, Why, did you have to throw away the key?

- oct 20th
Shakey - Quill

December 2006

You don’t realise how many songs I belted from the bottom of my heart about how glad I was to be over you. How without you, my life was so much better. So many lyrics come to mind as I think of you, and I cant make sense of the hundred guitar riffs that strum themselves over in my head, reminding me of you every second of the day.

Not only am I reminded of you with songs, but when people talk, one slightest thing and my minds on you. Everything relates to you. Films; I find it hard to go to the cinema because of the times we spent together there. I remember the words you said to me, I remember every smile that you gave me. There’s nothing in this world that doesn’t have the essence of you.

And another thing; when I tried to get over you, I found new people. But did they, could they, ever mean as much to me as you did? I think part of me was convincing myself that I was over you, and part of me was trying to convince other people.

And now I’m crying. Because I’m listening to the song that reminds me of you, one in one million.

You still care. I still care. Why cant all this be simple? Why were you never simple? How come you messed up, confused and twisted every ounce of me? How come every drop I cry is because of you, and how come no one will mean so much as you did.

You text me. I hadn’t replied. So you started ringing to check my phone was on. What? I only ever do that… No, ive only ever done that with you. You confuse me.

And you tell me you missed me. Too much. You say you don’t understand. You say its odd. You repeat again, when I question you, that you missed me.

But how can that be so? How can you have ever missed me, because if you really do miss me, that means some part of you has feelings for me. And if you had feelings for me, you would know by now that you’ve hurt me to the point of insanity. You’ve hurt me so much that all I want to do is slit my wrists and drip this pain away.

Theres no method to any of this. How come nothing with you, ever makes sense? And how can I possibly get over you, if I was never under you?

That’s what makes no sense in any of this. Theres always been part of me that’s cared about you. That’s why my heart skips a beat when I get a text from you. that’s why my stomach lurches when I see you come online. That’s why no matter who ive spent my day with, its your face I see at night. And people assume Im over you. Because its that easy to get over someone….

But how can I get over you, over us, when there was never an “us”. Because if we were together, and then over, there’d be a reason it had finished, and that reason would give me reason to hate you. Reason not to care. But there never was an “ us” We were so close I could touch it. We had the U, we had the S, but we never had the sense to put them together. And how can I get over you, when in my eyes your perfection?

Don’t get me wrong, at one point I really did believe I was over you. When you don’t see someone for so long, you can see past the amazing things that they do and remember the big things; the hurt of never knowing, the pain coursing through me as I turned and the train rolled away one more time, me none the wiser.

There was no need to wait so long. We had the weirdest relationship known to man. We were there, but we wernt. We were together, but we were separate. We were there, but never quite there.

I still don’t know whats going on in this mind. The things that remind me of you give me a good feeling. But I don’t get emotions, I don’t get life, I don’t get you.

Maybe with time, had you left me alone, I would of got over you. And this time, if its just friends, and you say that, ill be glad. Ive missed out on this so many times, because of you, I wont let it go on for much longer.

If you love someone enough you’ll let them go.

If it’s the right thing for them, that is.

After all.

You cant lose what you never had.

Shakey - Quill

(no subject)

its going round in my head, im trying not to cry,
trying to put back the pieces whilst wondering why,
aching, breaking, painful inside,
wanna go back to the start (I'm still wondering why)

you showed me a world i didnt know exsisted;
were back, your face a blur, u seeming so distant,
a bond - unbreakable, from 11 countries (unlisted)
now youre cold... stone cold: seeming so distant.

broken clutch on a bridge take me back to that time
a mugging, an invisible french police station to find
finding food by a hotel- i cried in the rain
i may have cried but I'd do anything to be there again.

It may have been hard at times we may have wanted to fight
(when we plugged in our phone charger and there was no light)
milan underground- my child, nantes hotel- my wife,
was it a lie when you said it was the best month of your life?

I needed cash, but I wouldnt have taken a pound,
if I knew it would mean in England you wouldnt be around.
A friendship like this needs ten tonne to break
so how come a featherweight note was all it could take?

we were told at some point - by the rule of bad things - ,
something else would happen to change everything,
well it took us ages to figure; but now i finally see
losing you now- its got to be number three.