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21 May 2012 @ 01:05 am
Dear Everyone.  
Okay firstly I haven't used this site in ages. Now a married woman who loves her life, there is still things that go on that I feel are beyond my control and beyond what I feel possible to share. So here goes: A letter to pretty much everyone in my life, unsent letters. Something that used to make me feel better, a lot. Hmmm.

Dear D,
You have literally made my life what it is and I can't thank you enough for that. I am beyond happy. I look at my old posts and realise what the hell I was going through and wonder why I coped and carried on letting people treat me how they did as now everything is so wonderful. I feel guilt posting these letters because I want to talk to you about it all, but some things are better left unsaid and some things should not go further than the realms of the internet. I guess what I'm trying to say is me going on here and saying things I dont want you to hear doesnt have any reflection on our relationship. Because I love you beyond anything I thought possible. I look at you now, snoring next to me, and wonder what I did to deserve you. And how long I can hold on to you and hope you will never leave me. Turns out insecurities never go away, even when trust is absolute.
All my love, L.

Dear J,
Fuck you. Seriously. Ten years down the line and for what - for this? I'm fucked off most of all because not only do you not bother meeting up with me, everything is always my fault, you can't put a foot wrong, and everything revolves around you. No - its not THAT. What it is is that when I got married no-one was less supportive than you were. My fucking BRIDESMAID and you didnt even get me a card to congratulate, you caused countless problems - you werent even going to come to my FUCKING HEN DO until I paid for you?? What the fuck is that about? I got married and I still have time for everyone, you've been with your bf less than two years and I cant remember the last time you organised a meet up. Apart from your birthday. and christmas. Coincidence? Hence the reason you haven't been given presents. As sick as it is, you arent getting anything until I genuinely believe you are meeting me for me. Not as someone to speak at. I mean you moan when our other friend meets with us and talks a lot - maybe she has problems too? Maybe the world doesnt revolve around you? Maybe there is more to life than your problems? I cant forgive you for the day after my nephews funeral dragging your new boyfriend along, snogging him, letting him wind me up when my heart had just been broken. I cant forgive you for not once saying you were happy for me the day of my wedding. I cant forgive you for how relentlessly you seem to pretend that you are perfect and I'm not. I never was in your eyes, I never will be. Maybe thats why I'm letting these ten years fade into the distance. They are good memories - some of them - but that is all they will be. In the past. Sorry.
.. there I go, saying sorry again to you. Wow.
L

K,
I'm pissed with you. I wish you would tell me you have noticed. You're so two faced. Everything you said when I was there, was either a lie, or how youre acting now is a lie. Either way it makes me dislike you. This can fade away, and we can both pretend we never realised.
L.

F,
Thanks for being an incredible friend. Seriously.
L.

C,
You're awesome, and I'm loving getting to know you. Nice to have an adult friendship.
L.

K,
I still look at your facebook wall and feel guilty for it. I dont know why. Why I do it. I think - I dont know. It doesnt suprise me that you're still not in a relationship. I dont think you will be for a long time. I loved that moment you told me you regretted how you treated me, but you know what? It didnt give me enough closure. And I honestly dont know what ever will. You will always be the one that got away. I'm happy you did, because of where I am now. I still cant listen to our song, or read all the words I wrote. I feel guility because of that again, and again I dont know why. I dont have feelings for you, if by feelings I mean affection. I have resentment, and anger still. I wish you would just - I dont know. Glad you're going to Australia though....
L

L,
I'm so on to you. One step wrong and wave goodbye. Can't wait for that day.
L.

L,
Thankyou so much for coming into my life. I honestly never thought I would ever have a brother, and every moment I say the word I dont think it quite computes. Some day it will. Anddd I cant wait for the baby.
L

T, J, C & V
I hope you regret every moment you turned a blind eye to what was going on. I hope you never have someone who worked as hard as I did, as loyal as I was. I hope one day your child comes to my school and I call you in for their bad behaviour and look down on you as if you are a tiny piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe. That is all you are.
L

Feels GOOD.
 
 
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