Too Hard To Say I Hate You.
And tears can no longer wash away the pain. Tears don't fall, tears won't fall anymore. Tears just don't change anything. Tears won't make you love me, Tears won't make you care. Tears will make me hate myself, Tears will make me feel I have no dignity, tears will make me feel stupid for crying over *you*.



There was a time I thought you were all I ever wanted, all I ever wanted. But now I know that all I really want is an answer, and answer or to *let go*; to forget about you. To leave you behind as a memory.. Something nice, yes, I can't deny that... But something that no longer means anything to me.



But the knife cuts through my heart when I say I want you to forget me. I can't breath right now - my heart stops beating when I say I hate you. My heart won't let me leave you behind. You don't see what you're doing - and my heart will sit and laugh at the pain coursing through me as I pretend to hate you. As I put on the mask and tell everyone I'm over you.



And I met someone new. Someone I liked so much. He didn't make me feel the same way you did. And I thought that was a good thing, I thought that the opposite he did to me - he didn't hurt me like you did - was a good thing. I wanted so badly to like him. But like you, he doesn't want me. He messed with my head, like you did, and then he - what? I still don't know. I don't know whats going on with him, and I'll never know whats going on with you.



So much poetry, so many words I've written, to scratch away the love you etched onto my heart. So many lost words with lost meanings - my words have little meaning when I know you'll never see them. The words; I thought they'd make me feel better; at the begining they did. Now they just make my mind do backflips and somersaults and confuse me more than I ever want to be confused.



I hate you. I hate you.



And now I can't breathe again, now I can't speak again, now the pain that is making it hard to type is making my hands shake; now I want nothing more than to say -i love you- But I can't. Because then its real. If I write it ... say it, its real. And I can't accept it.



You hurt me too much.



I can't love you.



I Hate You.








Ouch.

Words Mean Nothing
Your words meant too much to me. They were only ever passed through a computer screen. They were only ever typed on a small mobile phone. They came to me though wires - through waves. They meant too much to me. Deep down inside of me, I wanted to not believe them. But it was so hard, because I wanted to believe them - because I just wanted you.



But now, looking back, I realise how stupid I was all along I should have realised, your words never meant anything. How could they? How possibly could they? They never meant anything, your words were empty threats... unmeaningful poems.... hurtful nothingness.



Because now I realise, unless I hear you say something I must ignore it. Unless you announce your undying love for me ( you may have done that, in your mind).. and unless you are willing to tell every god damn human being on this earth, unless you are willing to scream it from the rooftops, unless you are willing to wear a sign with the truth on it for the rest of your days, I know not to believe it.



"Actions Speak Louder Than Words" Hell Yeah. You just never did any acting, did you? words fell from you easily - you had the charm and you had the beauty of language, and you typed it onto my screen, you typed it onto my phone, you sent it to me, thats the beauty of technology.



But when it came to the crunch, the actual words, these things that come out of my mouth, everything that is cascading from inside of me --- The words that we speak, well you never had them did you? You had the language, the charm, the grace. You didn't have the balls.



And now I know I'm stupid and pathetic, because I want nothing more than for the words to spring from your mouth, right now. At this moment in time, nothing is more important to me than you Talking - speaking - those words you claimed to mean...



Those words that messed me up inside. Those words that won my heart, locked it up inside a small box and wrote "forever mine" on the top.



Why, Why, Why, did you have to throw away the key?

- oct 20th

You don’t realise how many songs I belted from the bottom of my heart about how glad I was to be over you. How without you, my life was so much better. So many lyrics come to mind as I think of you, and I cant make sense of the hundred guitar riffs that strum themselves over in my head, reminding me of you every second of the day.

Not only am I reminded of you with songs, but when people talk, one slightest thing and my minds on you. Everything relates to you. Films; I find it hard to go to the cinema because of the times we spent together there. I remember the words you said to me, I remember every smile that you gave me. There’s nothing in this world that doesn’t have the essence of you.

And another thing; when I tried to get over you, I found new people. But did they, could they, ever mean as much to me as you did? I think part of me was convincing myself that I was over you, and part of me was trying to convince other people.

And now I’m crying. Because I’m listening to the song that reminds me of you, one in one million.

You still care. I still care. Why cant all this be simple? Why were you never simple? How come you messed up, confused and twisted every ounce of me? How come every drop I cry is because of you, and how come no one will mean so much as you did.

You text me. I hadn’t replied. So you started ringing to check my phone was on. What? I only ever do that… No, ive only ever done that with you. You confuse me.

And you tell me you missed me. Too much. You say you don’t understand. You say its odd. You repeat again, when I question you, that you missed me.

But how can that be so? How can you have ever missed me, because if you really do miss me, that means some part of you has feelings for me. And if you had feelings for me, you would know by now that you’ve hurt me to the point of insanity. You’ve hurt me so much that all I want to do is slit my wrists and drip this pain away.

Theres no method to any of this. How come nothing with you, ever makes sense? And how can I possibly get over you, if I was never under you?

That’s what makes no sense in any of this. Theres always been part of me that’s cared about you. That’s why my heart skips a beat when I get a text from you. that’s why my stomach lurches when I see you come online. That’s why no matter who ive spent my day with, its your face I see at night. And people assume Im over you. Because its that easy to get over someone….

But how can I get over you, over us, when there was never an “us”. Because if we were together, and then over, there’d be a reason it had finished, and that reason would give me reason to hate you. Reason not to care. But there never was an “ us” We were so close I could touch it. We had the U, we had the S, but we never had the sense to put them together. And how can I get over you, when in my eyes your perfection?

Don’t get me wrong, at one point I really did believe I was over you. When you don’t see someone for so long, you can see past the amazing things that they do and remember the big things; the hurt of never knowing, the pain coursing through me as I turned and the train rolled away one more time, me none the wiser.

There was no need to wait so long. We had the weirdest relationship known to man. We were there, but we wernt. We were together, but we were separate. We were there, but never quite there.

I still don’t know whats going on in this mind. The things that remind me of you give me a good feeling. But I don’t get emotions, I don’t get life, I don’t get you.

Maybe with time, had you left me alone, I would of got over you. And this time, if its just friends, and you say that, ill be glad. Ive missed out on this so many times, because of you, I wont let it go on for much longer.

If you love someone enough you’ll let them go.

If it’s the right thing for them, that is.

After all.

You cant lose what you never had.

Bullshit.

its going round in my head, im trying not to cry,
trying to put back the pieces whilst wondering why,
aching, breaking, painful inside,
wanna go back to the start (I'm still wondering why)

you showed me a world i didnt know exsisted;
were back, your face a blur, u seeming so distant,
a bond - unbreakable, from 11 countries (unlisted)
now youre cold... stone cold: seeming so distant.

broken clutch on a bridge take me back to that time
a mugging, an invisible french police station to find
finding food by a hotel- i cried in the rain
i may have cried but I'd do anything to be there again.

It may have been hard at times we may have wanted to fight
(when we plugged in our phone charger and there was no light)
milan underground- my child, nantes hotel- my wife,
was it a lie when you said it was the best month of your life?

I needed cash, but I wouldnt have taken a pound,
if I knew it would mean in England you wouldnt be around.
A friendship like this needs ten tonne to break
so how come a featherweight note was all it could take?

we were told at some point - by the rule of bad things - ,
something else would happen to change everything,
well it took us ages to figure; but now i finally see
losing you now- its got to be number three.

[its a rap, innit. safe bluds]

Its the thought of never seeing you that scares me into this,
wasting every single moment for that one special kiss.
Im just a broken shell of the girl I used to be,
waiting, once more, for you to fall in love with me
Waiting for our love to go back to the start,
for you to tell me youre going to mend this broken heart.
Waiting for you for the fifth and last time,
to gather the courage to say youve changed your mind.
The moments going to happen, of that Im sure..
it better do cos that moment's all im living for.

I wanted to grow to know anything.
I wanted to learn to know everything.
I wanted a house to call my own.
I wanted the wheels to drive me home.
I wanted to progress, to be able to teach.
The sky was the limit I had to reach.

Then you came along,
with your dreams of dust.
You stole my freedom,
You destroyed my trust.

I'm lost without love or a place to call home;
Because you caught my dreams, and you made them your own.

Yes you went and did it,
just like they said.
Kissed another woman,
stayed in my bed.

Told me when I shouted,
louder than ever before.
Told me you were too drunk
to walk or ignore.

Did her lips taste good honey?
Do you regret it at all?
Do you like how you hurt me?
And made me feel so small?

The problem is that four letter word
I just cant run away-
Im truly, madly deeply in,
so of course I will stay.

One thing I've learnt honey,
in order to love and live,
We must never forget,
but always forgive.

Grab the book nearest to you. Turn to the last page and use the last line of the story in your own work.


"Which only goes to show that, clever as I am, I remain just as big a fool as anyone else"
-The Tales of Beedle the Bard, JK Rowling.

Ever since I can remember its always been said,
I have no common sense, but an intelligent head.

Give me a mathmatical equation or a classical book,
dont ask me to understand why you give her that look.

So when I found out you cheated, I said I'd take you back,
because I love you is all I know, and that is that.

I know its likely you'll do it again, thats what you do.
Thats the dickhead I fell in love with, thats just you.

It goes to show clever as I am, It really cant be helped
I'm just as big a fool as anyone else.

Here's another writing exercise that I found fun but hard to do. Play with alliteration. Choose a sound and see how many times you can repeat it in whatever you are writing. The trick is not how many repetitions you can get but how not to go overboard and keep it interesting and readable. Good luck!


Beauty is only skin deep honey,
But why her? Why the
Beautiful one, with the tiny little
butt, small haircut, jeans
boot cut.

Baby, why hurt me so,
Bathe in the glory that you know- how her lips taste;
berrys, I'd imagine,
bloody
berries,
bet you loved it.
but do you regret it?

Baby, why did you have to
break this
bond? These lips may not rest on that
beautiful face, with the small haircut and the
berry taste-
But they were yours to have honey,

Now there just a waste.




______

I went for the "buh" sound, dont know if that came off with the structure...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v635/lady_aduial/n10207061_39377088_4949.jpg


We saw that orange haze on our way to the land of dreams.
We told each other we'd watch it from the hotel balcony.
But it took too long to get there, some mix up on the way.
By the time we had got there the sun had set on that day.

And we woke up to the reality of a world with no light.
We didn't just lose the sunset,
we lost each other that night.

Two posts ago,
I was right,
he lasted two days.

I made the mistake,
of falling in love with him.

Now he wants a week,
and im not strong enough.

Help me, ...
Here come the words.

Two past prompts;

wicked
perfect.


_____

Go on honey,
say you don't love me-
... not anymore.
Thats wicked,
because you're perfect
The one I'm breathing for.

Don't you dare pretend this is going to be hard on me. Like fuck. Im so much stronger than this, than you. Its taken me an hour or so to grasp this concept, but I'm so there now. Right now I'm thinking of completely withdrawing myself from you. The best part of this plan is firstly that I know this is possible. I'm so much stronger than you; last time this happened I could of cut myself off completely, its just I didn't want to and lets face it, neither did you. This time, I want to. I want to see how well you survive without me..

Last time you couldn't last a day. This time, I give you two. That's only really because I won't see you until up town on Saturday night, and after not seeing me for two days, Im going to be wearing the dress you love .. and grinding against any man I can lay a finger on. I'll grind against any woman too- because I know how insane it will make you. I will wait for you to join me on the dancefloor, and lay my finger on the place that drives you insane -- and then I'll walk to some other guy. Because I'll be allowed to. And I know you might try it on with another girl. You dare and I'll go straight to your best mate, and I hope it hurts as much as you made me hurt earlier.

And the best part of all this? I know if you take two, three... four days to make up your mind, and you decide this isnt what you want, it won't destroy me. I'm so over men ruining my life, I'm over crying over what to do, I'm over losing faith in myself, who I am, what I want to be, over a bunch of shitheads who think they have the right to mess with peoples minds.

And now I'm sat here thinking about how much I don't need you. How much you depend on me, and how independent I am, how much I have going for me, and how much you need the stability I offer. How little you actually do for me - you drive me around, sure, but who pays for the petrol? Most importantly, I have my own car, if I need to get anywhere, I can drive (and better than you -- ouch, bet that hurt). I buy your food. You practically live at my house for nothing, I give you petrol money, I pay for everything. It doesn't bother me because I love knowing that I don't depend on you, and this is why I'm feeling so good about this right now.

If you want to walk away from this, fine, do it. No skin of my nose. I hope you find a few more sluts to sleep with, maybe notch you up to the twentys. No matter what "Sweetie, you had me". I hope to God none of them know how to scratch your back just enough to make you arch it, bringing their finger down the centre so that you moan. I hope none of them know how to kiss your stomach, to lick around your belly button until you cant stop squirming, then kiss the centre and have you push them away because the feelings too much. I hope to god none of them know how to cook you a full english breakfast, to buy you a lucozade sport (raspberry flavour) and Trident strawberry and lime gum. I hope none of them know what to say to make you smile that cheeky smile, I hope none of them know how to smile back to make you sigh so loud it sounds like you're in heaven. I hope you always regret fucking me around like this.


____

As a side note, or really not much of a side note, your best friend has fallen for me - which is ironic really, because you said you thought I liked </b>him</b>. Another classic case of you putting the trust in the wrong person, because even though you like to tell me about how hes only a player, he says he could change for me.

So all the massages me and him gave each other, all the jokes about seeing each other late at night - it was never unfounded. All the times you got angry and drove away, you were right. This feels like .... its not revenge, because I know I couldnt - its not happiness because nothings really changed - this feels like.... power. The irony just oozes from that doesnt it? -

How for this entire evening you've made me feel like I'm useless, stupid, rubbish at everything. And all of a sudden its snapped, and I know its the other way around. Maybe I'm a bad person for feeling like this, like I have some sort of power over this whole situation.

You know what? I fucking do. I'm going to make you wish you had never even considered ending this, and I'm going to make you work to get it back. I'm done with feeling like Im in the wrong all the time.



"Don't, don't let it go to your head. Boys like you are dime a dozen-You're a touch overrated, you're a lush and I hate it, but these grass stains on my knees they won't mean a thing. And all I need to know, is that Im something you'll be missing. Maybe I should hate you for this? - Never really did get that far. I'd never lie to you - unless I had to; I'll do what I've got to. The Truth? Is you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt. If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar"

This ones here.

Smells, and memories.

Do you have a scent that when you smell it, brings up a memory? Do share.
Two conversing ones; The smell of a particular facewash brings up memories of a camping holiday I went on, and the guy I was in love with then. I hate him now, so I dont use that face wash. Whenever my boyfriend is round and goes home, he leaves his smell on my pillows, and when I'm asleep and roll over I can smell him, I think about the time I spent with him and it makes me fall asleep happy :)

Songs. Is there a particular song that brings back happy memories? Song title and memory, if you care to share that much.
The Rasmus,In the Shadows reminds me of a time when I didn't care about the world and was just living life as a kid.

How about a song that brings up painful memories? Song title and memory, if you care to share that much.
Hard-Fi's Stronger I listened to it ever damn day when my first love told me it was "Our Song". Now when it comes on randomly on shuffle it makes me want to burst into tears or, more likely, be physically sick. I don't listen to it anymore.


Food. Is there a certain food that conjures up memories?
When I eat Salt and Vinegar snack a jacks it reminds me of my GCSEs. I used to walk into town after an exam, go to boots and get a meal deal with snack a jacks. I enjoyed the freedom of doing it I did it all through exams now every time I smell one it reminds me of back then!


Clothing? Do you have an item of clothing or if you see a certain item, does it make you think of a time/place or person?
Took me a while to think of this one. I have this really old (I'm talking maybe ten years) jumper that I used to take camping. I used to put it on in the evening when we were playing cards, it reminds me of the days when I used to have a family, and happiness. It reminds me of my mum smiling. Thankfully, it still fits.

I found this community, thefridayfive that asks five questions a week, thought Id do this old one. Ill be doing them every week now! :]

1. If you were to die today, what would your last words be? I hope I'm remembered for something.
2. What would you want your epitaph to say? If she would have lived a little longer, she would have proved you wrong.
3. What song would you want played at your funeral? Always by Bon Jovi
4. In lieu of flowers, what should loved ones do in your honor? Not dress in black, I do that too much already! And read one of my top ten books, so that I prove them wrong (As explained in number 2)
5. What unfinished business would you wrap up? Well if I hadnt had children I'm guessing I still can't do that? I'd go see my great nan, who I still havent seen.

1. Favourite Book? Pride and Prejudice
2. Favourite Author? William Shakespeare (Playwright, same thing)
3. Favourite Genre? Classics or Thriller
4. Favourite series of books? Harry Potter, for my childhood
5. Favourite Illustrator? Quentin Blake ^^
6. Favourite book from when you were little? Very little - The Hungry Caterpillar
7. Favourite Hero? Heroine, Lizzie Bennett
8. Favourite Villian? Claudius!
9. Favourite couple? Liz and Mr Darcy
10. Favourite Character? Hamlet

5 Lasts

1. Last book you bought? The boy in the striped pyjamas, John Boyne
2. Last book you were given? The edible woman, Margaret Atwood
3. Last book you pre-ordered? Ages ago! The last Harry Potter book!
4. Last book you loved? Persuasion :] - Austen
5. Last book you hated? I dont think I've ever really hated a book!

3 dos

1.Do you read part of your current book every day? Yup, every night
2. Do you stick to one genre of books or do you jump around? I make myself jump around
3. Do you review all the books you read on LJ? I have started to

1 If
1. If you were stuck on a desert island and could only take one book with you, which book would you choose? Pride and Prejudice, I could read it over and over again forever!



Once you've answered the questions, choose FIVE people on your friends' list to do the quiz as well.

Bonjourno.

This is a small note to remind myself;;

Sometimes you know, life is so. damn. good.
So stop stressing.
He loves you, and hes perfect.
You rock at your job, and the managers do know that!
Your family are awesome and funny, even when they annoy you! They're just drunk, let them have their fun!
You may miss your friends to hell, but think how good it will be when you see them!
Your friends are amazing no matter how far away they are.
You have the cutest kitten ever. Look after him.



:] KITTEN PICTURE TIME!!


( MOAR KITTEN PICS )

I'm aching at the thought of leaving you
and im breaking at the thought of seeing you.
because every damn time you hurt me again-
its starting to feel
just
like
him.





Okay, it isn't starting to feel like him. If it EVER started to feel like him, I would poke you with a gigantic pole (perhaps a "Giant poking device"?) til you exploded all over the walls.

But its hurting... and it shouldn't be.

I think I decided today that I need time. I always laughed at the thought of needing "time". I thought it not only cheesy but a little pathetic - and definitely hurtful for the person involved, who has to sit by whilst the other person takes their time... Poor souls.

No, I need space. Breathing space. A chance to rethink, and learn how much I need you. And teach you to realise how much you need me. And if you find you don't, then at least we have a solution. Not the one I wanted, but a solution all the same.

So what i'm saying is, I need time and space.
Maybe I could start a continuum


I need something to tell me all this is worth it, something to tell me I still love you.
You can't miss something til its gone right, so...
I need a break.
A break from us.


.... and the friends references are just flying out of me today.
Perhaps thats because Friends makes me smile, when all I want to do right now is break down and cry.

Thought I'd revamp my journal, and start to use it again.
Because, basically, I haven't used it in ages.

And there's something in releasing all your feelings onto the keyboard.
And convincing yourself no one is able to see it....
... secretly hoping someone has the guts to look.

Its going to be a tough year.
I thought it was going to be relaxing.
Then I realised my plan was to work my bum off to get money for university.
For some reason, I thought this involved little work?
Don't ask.

Things are crazy at the moment. I go for weeks with no day off. Very little sleep.
Its like being back at school.
Maybe, dare I say it, worse?

The best part is the no homework, obviously.
Except I've set myself my own homework - reading.
Mainly.
Like, a lot.

I worked out today why I need new shelves, despite reading so much.
I'm doing a few books a week, perhaps at least.
But I've bought ten books in the last few days.
Output lower than input =
Low shelf space, Room reshuffle required.
Everything is about to be moved around.
I have a shelf alone for my Shakespeare books. This is not enough! He needs room to breathe!
I feel I also need bookends.
....

And more time to read.
That would be nice.



Time.


Anyone like the new layout?
Goes with my new reading plan :] Maybe I shall change it monthly. Maybe I will keep this one because I love him too much. *goes into Mr Darcy daydream*

In other news, 6 months on I'm still with my boyfriend. He may not be Mr Darcy, but he's perfect. Which, I suppose, makes him my Mr Darcy. I couldn't wish for anything more :)

Fuck you.
No, seriously. FUCK YOU.
Fuck this relationship, fuck everything about it, fuck the effort I keep putting in and not getting back, fuck all the crap reasons you attempt to give, fuck this life and the next, just fuck it all.
I'm missing having someone to talk to about all of this.
Fucking hell, if Jenni was here, I wonder if I'd even be able to tell her the truth.
Why?
It embarasses me.
Yes, I feel ashamed and upset at the way youre treating me at the moment, and Im too soft to do anything about it.
Fucking hell, I thought I was so much stronger than this.